So Much for Being Vain…

March 1st, 2011. Posted in My Life.

Tyler rarely uses my camera….and usually he only does when I ask him to take a picture. The other day when I decided to download the photos off of my camera, I came across about 10 photos of Tyler. I thought it was so funny since it’s usually me that takes a lot of pictures of myself. He claims he wanted to take pictures because of his new facial hair. Yep, he’s excited about that!

If you know me well enough you’d know that I am was so vain! I’m pretty much sure I took 20+ pictures of myself daily in high school.

I used to struggle with which photo to use for social websites – MySpace & LiveJournal because I thought I looked awesome in all of them. Now when I take 20+ pictures of myself I still struggle with which photo to use…BUT for the opposite reason – because I hate the way I look in all of them.

I’m not happy with the way I look at all. Most of it has to do with my weight. But other than that… overall I’m just not happy with myself. It doesn’t matter how many times I hear from Tyler how beautiful I am. I have no doubt that he thinks I am. But I need to be happy with myself and I need to think that I’m beautiful because clearly I don’t. Most of all, I need to learn to love myself again.

I’m trying so hard to not let all this let me become depressed. Even though there has been some days where I was depressed. Lately I’ve been trying to remind myself how I can fix it and to move forward by making changes so I don’t need to feel this way anymore.

Right now I need a goal. I have decided that goal is to exercise everyday for a month starting today. I realize that might be a little bit too extreme for a goal but I know I can do it. Even if I can’t go to the gym, I’ll just work out using Kinect or run around the neighborhood. So ultimately my goal is to break out a sweat everyday for a month.

I went to the gym tonight and was overwhelmed with how I felt afterwards. I forgot what it’s like to feel great physically & emotionally until tonight. Knowing I’m doing something better for myself and my body is a great feeling. I’m looking forward to this and being on the right path to learn how to love myself.

 

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  • http://www.alightson.still-sharpe.com Ys

    Have you thought about getting a dog? Sweepie keeps me fit simply by needing a twenty-minute walk every day. And on the weekends we often take her for longer walks in country parks where she can really stretch her legs. I didn’t get her to keep me fit but I’ve found she does anyway :)

    You’re right, though. I like that feeling too: where you feel better emotionally after doing something physical. I’ve felt awful these last 12 weeks during the morning sickness and I’ve only been able to get up and do stuff again these past few days and I’ve felt amazing because of it. I think they key is not to set yourself too hard a challenge but make it so that you change your way of life rather than set yourself strict rules. Good luck with it :)

  • http://Emily-Jane.net Emily Jane

    Oh I definitely hear you on this one – I was the same way in my teens, I’d take all sorts of “myspace photos” in my bathroom lol and think they were great, and now, I seem to hate every single picture and can definitely go through 20 pictures and find fault with every single one. But you’re absolutely right, having a positive goal to work on instead of thinking negative things is probably the best way to break that feeling – I wish you all the best of luck, and meanwhile, know that *I* think you are stunning :)

  • http://www.grownuprachel.com Rachel Parker

    I hope you’re able to get back to a place where you feel really good about yourself again :) I know, for me, the opposite has happened. The older I get, the more confident I get in my body, and the less I care what other people think. That doesn’t mean I’m not vain — oh, I’m plenty vain — just that my vanity isn’t really influenced by others. xo.

  • http://www.hannahkaty.com Hannah Katy

    I officially fell deeply in love with that last paragraph… I am so proud of you, the feeling of helping yourself inside and out is so rewarding.

  • http://www.erinmakesitwork.wordpress.com ErinMakesItWork

    You know from my post that this year is all about falling in love with myself again, for me. So, I completely understand everything you’re thinking and feeling right now. My life keeps me chained to the computer and I got away from daily exercise throughout the winter. Time for that to change. Good luck on your goal, I know you can do it too. I’ll be here to cheer you own. If you ever need some motivation or a pep talk, just drop me an email.

  • http://woodlanddreams.net Alyssa

    I need the same goal! I miss the gym, I really liked going. We had canceled our membership shortly after we got dogs because we have to walk them at least 30 mins every night & because of that we never made it to the gym. While the walking is good, it’s definitely not that same as a real workout. Blech!

    You can do it!

  • http://www.justatitch.com Amy

    You know I’m with you on this one, lady. It’s so hard to get on a path to regular gym-going, but the mental side is harder. I wish you the best on the journey—I’m right there with ya.

  • http://hoperoth.com/blog Hope

    I think you’re lovely!

  • http://skinnyemmie.com Emily

    you know I’m with you. It’s a process we must force ourselves through, but in the end, you’ll find the beauty that the rest of us already see.

  • http://stephanywrites.blogspot.com Stephany

    Oh, Steph. I know how you feel. Sadly, I don’t have a cute guy to tell me how beautiful I am so I’m left wondering WHEN that will happen. But meanwhile, I just want to feel comfortable and beautiful in my own skin, without me needing validation from someone else. And I do think exercise helps our moods so much. It’s one of the best way to feel awesome!

  • http://www.angelanoelle.com Angela Noelle

    Good luck, sweet girl. I also have issues with body image, and one of the most helpful things for me is to workout and see the changes it brings. I hope that you can find peace and love for yourself!

  • http://www.hernewdeal.com Elizabeth

    I’m itching to start working out again–you’re right, there’s nothing like the way you feel after a good session. Keep loving yourself–it’s so important!

  • http://www.after-i-do.com Krysten

    I was the same way… taking tons of pics in high school, all of which I loved, and now it’s so the opposite.

  • http://emmysuh.com emmysuh

    I’ve always been a “bigger” girl too or struggled with self-esteem/weight. one of the best things I’ve learned is to love myself although it’s SO HARD. You are a lovely person, inside and out!

  • http://www.stylishhandwriting.com E.P.

    I completely feel you on this subject, as well. I don’t like being in front of the camera to begin with, and I struggle with choosing photos to print or use because I don’t like the way I look. However, I’m looking for ways to fix this, and I think I know what I am going to do, so I hope you find something similar to help you start loving yourself again. And accepting yourself again. Goodness knows it’s taken me a long time, and I am still getting there.

    Just know that you are amazing – inside and out! – and that you can do anything you put your mind to.

  • http://www.brightwishes.blogspot.com Brooke @ Bright Wishes

    I feel the exact same way!!! I don’t feel like myself at all. You have some great goals and you will accomplish them I know! !:)

  • http://theinbetweenismine.com San

    You go girl!

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