I only got 2 and a half hours of sleep before waking up to shower and get ready to go to the hospital. I was so quiet waiting for my family to leave the house. Once I headed out the door to the truck, I felt queasy and sick. I carried a bowl with me all the way to the hospital and didn’t throw up. We didn’t arrive in time so I could see Allison, who just had her cochlear implant surgery a few days before by the same doctor. When we were registering, the lady printed out my wristband but it wasn’t my name so she had to print new ones out. That part made me nervous!

It was not too long after when the nurse came to bring all of us (my parents and sister were there with me) upstairs to the pre-operating room but my dad and sister had to wait in the waiting room. At this point I was getting so nervous, and because of that my blood pressure was too high. The nurses were so nice. They put an IV in my hand which hurt a little bit (and I hate needles!).

I was in my hospital bed waiting while my dad and sister came in to see me before my surgery. My mom left with the nurse and came back wearing a blue gown and a cap on. We got some giggles out of it and it was a nice brief distraction from being nervous.

The doctor then came in to tell me he had just seen Allison and that she wanted him to tell me Hi. His hair wasn’t combed which made me nervous if he was awake enough to do my surgery!

The nurse gave me a “cocktail” and put it through my IV. Within minutes I felt a good buzz like I had too much to drink. The nurses scrolled me down the hall to the operating room with mom on my side. I was trying so hard to comprehend everything that was going on but it seemed impossible with the cocktail in my system. I saw an interpreter in the room and she looked a bit disappointed because mom was already in the room to interpret for me. The nurse and doctor asked me to move onto the surgery bed and the last thing I remember is my mom signing to me. 

I woke up in the recovery room a few hours later around 10AM to a really nice nurse and her name was Dawn. Every time I woke up she would be in my face smiling. Her attitude helped me feel so much better. There were a lot of other people in the recovery room with their own nurse and they were not happy campers. Dawn said I was the happiest patient in the recovery room. I did not feel any pain but mostly pressure on my head from the bandage which was a very uncomfortable feeling. My mom and sister came in to see me a few times. Later around 1PM my sister came to see me by herself and told me that a friend was being mean to her about being at the hospital and not hanging out with her. This pissed me off and while I should have not… I sent her friend a message through her phone. While I was typing away on the phone Dawn quickly came over and looked concerned since my blood pressure shot up from being pissed off. So I decided to leave it at that and let my sister deal with it because after all I just got out of surgery and I should not even need to be dealing with this.

It wasn’t until around 4:30pm when I got my own private room so my mom could stay overnight with me. My dad had already took my sister home and came back around 5PM to see me for the first time since I got out of surgery. He brought me two mini-balloons on a stick with flowers. My mom’s company also sent me flowers which was really nice. Dad stayed with me while mom went outside to call some relatives to let them know how the surgery went. That’s how close our families are! I kept falling asleep on and off and asked for more medicine because I was afraid I would feel pain. It was a pain having to get up to go to the bathroom because mom had to unplug the machine that I was hooked up to then I had to walk to the bathroom with the machine. 

The worst pain I had was air bubbles coming out of my ear. Mom and I then decided to turn the lights off around 9:30-10pm to get some sleep. That didn’t work out very well since the nurses kept coming in about 10 times throughout the night to check my vitals and make sure everything was fine. They always had to check my wristband and ask me what my name was and my date of birth. Due to being half asleep and drugged up this was hard to keep up with.

I woke up the next morning to a bad ache in my upper back and that was probably from sleeping in one position the entire night. The nurse told us we were able to leave so I went to the bathroom to put my clothes on and all of a sudden my nose started bleeding. The doctor told me I could not blow my nose for a few days and this almost made me want to cry.

A nurse pushed me in the wheelchair down to the car and a lot of people were looking at me with pity. I wondered to myself why they were and then I remembered it was because of the bandage on my head. They probably thought I had brain tumor or a freak accident.

My whole experience was great which I am really grateful for since Allison had to do the surgery again since there were problems with her cochlear implant. The only time I did get sick was when they removed the bandage. I think I got scared of having it removed and seeing my stitches. I mean… seriously I thought someone was going to rip my ear off!

An old friend took this picture of me for a project she did in 2003

I have been often asked, “Do you wish you were hearing?”

…and I always proudly reply back, “No, I’m glad to be deaf”

Mainly because I can already hear with the help of my hearing aid and cochlear implant. I was very fortunate since I was born with a severe to profound hearing loss.

I can’t imagine having to hear every second of my life without an on/off switch. I have the choice to turn my hearing aid & cochlear implant off and not hear a single thing at night or whenever I want to, usually when I have a headache. However I must wear them everyday. I even used to pretend to ignore my parents when they called my name to ask me to do something for them and I’d blame it on dead batteries. (Sorry, Mom & Dad! I’m sure Lauren does that sometimes with you too!)

People assume I can talk and understand people just because I can hear. Not necessarily true. I heavily rely on lip-reading to understand what is being said. Some people even thought I’d be able to finally talk on the phone after getting my cochlear implant. Again, not true. I can hear voices/sounds coming out but I can’t make out to what people are saying on the other end because I can’t lip-read through the phone. If I was to call someone the person on the other end would have to only say – Hi, Yes, No, Okay, Bye for me to understand.

Although I wish I could understand people easily without having to lip-read and focus on what they’re saying that sometimes it’s a puzzle trying to figure out what people are saying. Hearing people can easily wander their eyes around and not have to have their eyes glued on the person talking. Tyler is so fortunate he can hear very well and had a lot of practice so he can talk on the phone & talk to people without having to look at them. I know I could be able to do this but with a lot of speech therapy.

I can’t fall asleep with my hearing aid on – every sound I hear wakes me up. I know hearing people can block out sounds if they wanted to. My sister and I both have slept through all of my Mom’s nightmares including one time when she ran around the house thinking my Dad was a murderer. Too bad I didn’t wake up to see that! 

 I’m glad I am deaf and sounds are not everything to me.

August 2006

I wear my hearing aid every day from my waking moment to the second I go to bed… unless I have a headache or want to ignore someone, haha. You get the point anyways.

I remember the day when my cochlear implant was activated for the first time which was a month after my surgery. We arrived at my doctor’s office and they led us to a small room. My parents and Tyler were with me with this lady, M, who did my activation.

M had me put my cochlear implant on and hooked it up to the computer. I had to tell her when I heard the beeping sounds and to tell her if it was comfortable, loud, or too loud/uncomfortable. After doing that for a few minutes M warned me she was going to turn my cochlear implant on for the first time.

My hearing aid was off so at this point I wasn’t hearing anything until M turned it on. My parents immediately started talking so I could hear them – it was almost like they were cooing at me. It quickly turned to be an unpleasant experience. I could hear my parents but their voices sounded so weird and I hated what I was hearing. Everything sounded mechanical.

M asked me to try talking so I could hear my own voice and I refused. I didn’t want to disappoint myself.

What if I hated how I sound? Was it really how hearing people hear me?

M told me she was going to turn up the volume and keep turning it up slowly until I told her it was uncomfortable. At this point I didn’t know what comfortable felt anymore. When M turned up the volume it sounded like a lion roaring but loud & louder.

We did some testings where she would say a month behind a piece of paper and I had to listen and tell her what month she was saying. I didn’t do too well and got a lot wrong unlike with my hearing aid I get them all correct. M assured me it was just the beginning and my brain was “waking up” and I would get used to it.

We left the office and I did not wear my cochlear implant. My parents & Tyler tried getting me to wear it so I can practice and get used to it. It was really unpleasant when I put my cochlear implant on as the roaring sound occurred for a minute then subsided.

I slowly got used to wearing it but I wanted to wear my hearing aid too and I did. I was hearing things that I could never hear before or was not that clear and sharp until now. With all the traffic noise going on I could even hear my blinkers!

There was one problem. I had to learn how to tell where the noises were coming from. With my cochlear implant – it makes me think all the sounds are coming from the left side. This was the main reason why I wear both my hearing aid and cochlear implant at the same time.

I had to get used to the fact that when my cochlear implant battery dies, it just dies/turns off without any warning. I hated this. My hearing aid doesn’t do this – it slowly dies so I have time to change my battery. The nice thing is I have rechargeable batteries for my cochlear implant that are good up to 8 hours so I have 8 hours before it will need to be recharged.

Tyler has helped me so much when I would constantly ask him what that noise is. I still do now sometimes. I’ve learned to love and hate some sounds. I hate the sound of people rubbing their hands. I can even hear Tyler doing that behind me in the grocery store! The other night Tyler was talking to his Dad on the speakerphone and I could hear his Dad talking from the other room. I’m always amazed at the sounds I hear all the time.

Just because I can hear sounds clearly now does not mean I can 100% understand everything now. I’ve had some people tell me that they couldn’t wait to have a phone conversation with me after my activation. Learning how to understand people on the phone is a difficult thing since I can’t lipread through the phone…obviously.

I can call people and do all the talking but then I’d have to hang up before they even talk. I do that sometimes with Tyler if he’s not responding to his text messages. I’d call him and say what I need to say then hang up and he would text me back. Lame I know, but it works!

Feel free to ask me any questions or for clarification if I confused anyone on this long post!

When I say this I always point to my ear. I don’t know why I do this but it’s a habit. I can hear chattering and background noises but my problem is I don’t know when someone is talking to me.

Often times Tyler would sign to me, “That person just asked how you were doing today!”

Usually at this point, Tyler will say something to that person and make conversation with them. I worry this happens a lot when I’m shopping alone. They might think I’m a total bitch for ignoring them.

One time I was at a fast food restaurant and ordered something. While waiting for my order, I went to fill up my cup and by the time I turned around I saw an employee slam an order back on the counter and whispered angrily to another employee. I quickly realized that she must had come up behind me and tried to give me my order. I went up to the counter and told her “Excuse me… I’m Deaf” and she quickly smiled and apologized.

I can understand people if they’re talking directly at me and not talk through their teeth because that makes it impossible for me to read their lips. I’m sure other Deaf people can relate to this.

Have ever met or seen a Deaf person before?

When I was about 2 years old, I got hearing aids and loved wearing them because I could hear very well with them. I would constantly make noises “ahhh-lalala” and other weird noises when it was quiet or if I was by myself because I wanted to keep hearing. It was a bad habit to break when I got older.

The deaf institute was out of the picture since I would have to go live at school during the week and come home on the weekends. I was enrolled in a private deaf school in Seattle where their method was teaching SEE (Signed Exact English) and every word was to be signed and spoken at the same time. Every day I met with my teacher for 15 minutes to practice and work on my speech – I found it annoying as I got older. The school program only went up to 8th grade so I mainstreamed at my local middle school. I was actively involved in soccer and volleyball but I found it frustrating sometimes with friends. I don’t do well in big groups because it’s hard to lip-read and understand them. If I asked them what someone said they would always say, “I’ll tell you in a minute, hold on” then eventually never tell me because they forgot or it’s not important anymore.

I started hanging out with my deaf friends and went to deaf camps in the Summer. They used ASL (American Sign Language) which is different than SEE. ASL includes facial expressions and postures of the body. I’m glad I had the experience of attending both the deaf institute (for a year during my sophomore year) and my local school. I’m proud to be Deaf and have no problem telling people about my deafness. If I don’t understand someone, I tell them that I’m deaf and to either write it down or speak louder and clearer. I heavily rely on lip-reading too and sometimes people don’t move their lips when they talk!

My sister and I are the opposite of each other. I have exposure to both the deaf and hearing communities and she doesn’t have any exposure to the deaf community. Because of that, she doesn’t like people knowing she’s deaf. She won’t even let her hearing aids be visible which is why her hair is always down. I hope some day she’ll grow out of it and be open about her deafness. We both can speak very well and we don’t sign with our parents but they do sign and use their voice at the same time when talking with us. When my sister and I communicate we sign with each other.

In college I had a lot of friends that had cochlear implants. I was easily persuaded to get one myself because they were hearing all these small details that I could not hear with my hearing aids. I have never had a surgery before so it was a little bit frightening making this decision. Although it was an easy decision since I was not really using my hearing aid on my left since it was not helping me. So I decided to get implanted on my left because I wasn’t really going to lose any hearing anyways.

Surgery July 2006. Some people thought I had brain tumor.

The day I had my bandages taken off

About a month after the surgery, I finally got it activated. I hated it at first because it was so loud and overwhelming. I still use my hearing aid on my right side and would use my cochlear implant on my left at the same time. I started hearing a lot of things I could hear before but it was more clear and sharp. Sometimes I wouldn’t know what it was or where it was coming from and I had to ask Tyler or my parents. The only annoying sound with my cochlear implant is when Tyler rubs his hands. I didn’t wear it every day and I’m trying to fix that habit and wear it more often.

I know some people have questions about being deaf or about my deafness, feel free to ask anything you want to know!

Vlogs are created by people themselves and I know it’s a lot of work having to create the subtitles yourself. I noticed a lot of bloggers are starting to do vlogs and I could just watch it and not understand it unless there’s a transcript to read along with.

I have seen some of my deaf friends’ vlogs and they’re interesting and fun to watch. Last night I created a vlog and I hate seeing myself sign. I hate the way I sign — my “style” that is. Everyone who signs have their own “style”. With hearing people – everyone’s voice doesn’t sound the same. I know some deaf people who sign beautifully and smoothly.

I hesitated about showing my vlog because I think it’s lame. At least I warned you. (Subtitles included)

Vlog: Seeing Myself Sign from steph anne on Vimeo.

A few days ago I’ve decided to wear my cochlear implant everyday to work because I don’t know if it’s me but I’m not understanding anyone anymore especially when they’re talking softly and quietly. This morning using my cochlear implant triggered my crankiness..unforunately. I didn’t like hearing the constant noise of people typing on the computer and these ladies yapping & laughing so loud. So I took my cochlear implant off. I need to learn how to be more patience but it drives me up the wall especially when I don’t know how to simply “ignore” sound like hearing people can. When I hear an ambulance outside I look around and everyone’s still working like they didn’t hear a thing. I love my hearing aid to death because it leaves out the very detailed and background noises. But my hearing aid’s falling apart… I’ve had it since I was in elementary school (mind you, not the ear mold). Patience is a virtue!

Last night I came up with this ridiculous idea of “live feed captioning for the deaf” where an implant is surgically implanted in our eyes and every time someone talks – there’s live captioning! Or only on contacts and put them when you want to.

Would you have this surgery done? I would!

Today our boss wanted to take 6 of us out to lunch for a co-worker’s Birthday. As usual, in big groups it’s hard for me to understand what everyone is saying. I have to lip-read and rely on hearing with my cochlear implant and hearing aid. (Good thing I wore my cochlear implant today!) All that does not help when everyone is laughing and it’s impossible to follow everything that is being said while eating. Today was better than the last Birthday lunch we had.

DW drove KK and I to lunch in his mustang. On our way back to work, KK and I spotted McSweaty jogging topless. He was sooo handsome! Mmmm!

Work is addicting!

My parents placed me in a private school in Seattle that use Signed Exact English (SEE) and we had to sign and speak at the same time. I was there until 8th grade then mainstreamed at my local middle school with an interpreter. When I was in 8th and 9th grade I started meeting more deaf people that used American Sign Language (ASL) and were involved in the deaf community. My best friend, Haley, and I attended deaf camps and after that we realized we wanted more exposure to deaf culture. Our parents did not want us attending the deaf school because of the education there. Our parents finally let us go there for experience but the deal was only for 1 year. After my sophomore year in high school, we moved to Arizona and I was going to mainstream at the high school that had a deaf program. I immediately disliked it and it brought back old memories from middle school. I switched over to the deaf school in Phoenix. The education there sucked but I was so much happier there with friends and playing sports. I didn’t even stay the whole year at the deaf school because I felt like I was not learning anything and not challenging myself. I decided to go back to the high school I originally started at. I went through a lot growing up with different schools and teaching methods. I do not regret one bit of it. I am proud to say I got a taste of everything.

I grew up using hearing aids. I am grateful that it has helped me hear and that I can hear very well with them on. I am also grateful that I have good speech and can be understood by hearing people. A lot of my college friends now have cochlear implants and seeing how well they can hear with it and learning more about it. I approached my parents with my decision of wanting to get a cochlear implant. My parents were 100% supportive of my decision and were there for me throughout my journey of getting a cochlear implant and activation. Now I wear both my hearing aid (right ear) and cochlear implant (left ear) and am satisfied. I am proud to say I use both – hearing aid & cochlear implant and do not regret getting a cochlear implant at all.

When I think about my identity… I am biculturally deaf. I like both the hearing world and the deaf world. I accept myself in both world, I can sign with deaf people and I can talk with hearing people.

I am deaf and proud of it.